I'm.In.Counseling

Yep...you read me right. I finally gave in and thought it might be helpful to speak with someone who could listen to me objectively and help figure out how to get me out of this rut. Or frame of mind. Or whatever it is that's causing me to lose sleep.

My biggest hesitation when it came to seeking out a counselor is that I hate dragging up EVERY LITTLE THING from the past. And they do. Been there, done that.

I have an issue. That doesn't mean my parents are to blame. And I become very defensive on this topic because I happen to think I have the best parents ever. It doesn't mean they are perfect (they aren't), but they have done everything within their control to love me, provide for me and raise me up in the best way they knew how. So...don't attack my parents! I get very defensive. I got very defensive.

What did I learn this week? I never learned how to set boundaries or make decisions as a child; therefore, I've made some pretty poor decisions as an adult. Newsflash! And evidently this is all my dad's fault for being so strict and always telling me what to do instead of letting me have an opinion or choose.

Also, due to all of the spankings I received as a child (which were quite necessary based on the stories I've been told), I chose to stop my behaviors out of fear instead of recognizing what was right or wrong. Does this sound a little suspect to anyone else? I can see the mentality behind it, but come on...a 4 year-old child that is throwing a fit is not going to choose to stop throwing a fit because he/she recognizes it's bad behavior. However, a good spanking will show that child that the behavior is wrong and they will straighten up. This is where I will defer back to God's Word in Proverbs 13:24 "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." This is a point where I will agree to disagree with my counselor.

My homework for the next two weeks: Self-Differentiation. How's that for some counseling lingo? My job is to recognize my thoughts and my feelings for what they are. To recognize other's thoughts and feelings for what they are. And to NOT project my thoughts and feelings on others. This should be fun.

We'll start here...I'm pretty sure this blog has rambled on long enough; therefore, you must be bored out of your mind. :)

Risky Business!

After hearing a message at The Porch last night on the life of Stephen found in Acts 7, I was challenged to take a look at my life and my lack of risky business. Stephen was a devoted Christ follower. A risk-taker who was not afraid to share the gospel with those who wanted him killed. His secret - according to Acts 7:55, he had his eyes so intently focused on his Heavenly Father that he was not distracted by his surroundings. Not even when he was being stoned to death! Sounds kind of extreme, but then again, we serve a God who took the extreme measure of sending his only son to earth to die a gruesome death on the cross for a bunch of unbelieving peons. It is my belief that we are not called to live a comfortable complacent life. Especially when there is so much discomfort going on in the world around us.

So, if for one moment I was to forget about my debt, my fears of the unknown, my self-image, my job, my family, everything...what would I do to take a risk for the kingdom? It would look a little like this...

• Instead of turning my head, I would talk to every homeless person I saw on the streetcorner and tell them how much Jesus loves them.


• I would pick up hitchhikers, for the sole purpose of hearing their stories and serving them.


• I would pack my bags and head off to a foreign country to share the gospel on a long-term mission trip.


• I would give more than my allotted 10% to the church and truly trust God to provide for me.


• I would adopt a whole family of children through Compassion International.


• I would stop hiding and allow others to see the real me, with all of my struggles, and hope that my experiences would encourage them.


• I would be honest and tell people how I feel before it's too late.


• I would live every day as if it were my last!

It all boils down to trusting God and having faith in His sovereignty and His plan. I either trust that He is in control and will take care of me or I don't. I've often heard that faith without works is dead, so it looks like I better take some action!

Meanderings...

I am right smack in the middle of a "Felicity" marathon. For the past few days, I've been glued to my television, reliving every torturous moment of my adolescence via Felicity Porter and her friends. For those of you who have never seen this show, it's painfully awkward. Picture "The Office", only set in the midst of college. I don't know what caused me to dig up this old DVD collection, much less spend countless hours watching it. What I do know is that my current life is still eerily reminiscent of the person I was back then.

Yes, I've grown up. I've matured and managed to persevere through some life-changing experiences. And I'm still living and learning. But deep inside, I'm reminded that I am still an insecure child who is trying to find my purpose in life. I still find myself feeling lost more often than not. Which leads me to my random meandering of the day...do we ever feel found? Like we belong? Likes things are as they should be?

For years, I've bought into the lie that if I could just find a husband and have my own family, that I would finally be fulfilling my purpose in life and have a place in this world. However, I have friends who have been blessed with marriage and babies who still struggle with feelings of incompleteness. I'm reminded of God's word in Luke 9:58 when Jesus says "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." I think God has placed this gaping sense of being lost (I will call it my own personal black hole) within me to draw me closer to my Heavenly Father. To remind me that this is not my home, no matter who I marry, how many children I have, where I live or what I do. All of this will pass away and I cannot look for belonging or contentment in this world.

Not exactly the most felicitous thought for the day. However, I will leave you with one of my favorite happy songs of the moment. Nothing pumps me up like listening to David Crowder's song "Oh, Happiness". Go forth, live life to the fullest, and be happy - for though we may not belong, we win!

Oh, happiness
There is grace
enough for us
And the whole human race

From the full streams
Of Your care
All who come
Begin again

Hard or friend
Rich or poor
All who need
Need fear no more

Such a thing to give away

All regrets
Let go, forget
There's something that
Mends all of that

Sound the church bells
Let 'em ring
Let 'em ring
For everything can be redeemed
We can be redeemed All of us

Outside of the box...

Now this is what I call a cupcake!

I've had several opportunities to be creative over the past few weeks and I'm loving it. I find that even though I love my job, I often times have to be very detailed and analytical, so I truly enjoy the moments when I can think "outside of the box" and have a little fun.

My sweet friend Natalie's birthday was this past Monday and we celebrated last night over this monstrous cupcake. It is seriously about the size of a human head and was a huge hit! (The picture just doesn't do it justice!) I also had a random stranger approach me and ask me to make one for his son. Hmm...perhaps I should start up a side business. Taking orders now...

And speaking of side businesses, I have been having a lot of fun with my photography lately. I had the opportunity to take family portraits for a good friend of mine from church. His family was an absolute joy to be around and they were so easy to work with. As a special thank you, I decided to package up their pictures and their CD in a cute little photo box that they could save. I think it cost me $3 and made such a huge difference in the presentation. Of course I don't think he had a clue what to do with it, but I'm sure his mom will appreciate it.

What is a mother?

I spent this past weekend reflecting quite a bit on motherhood and what it means to be a mother. As a single, you can imagine that myself and others in my same life stage, might feel a little left out on this celebratory day. However, as I sat in church this past Sunday and listened to the pastor speak of the characteristics of a mother, I very quickly realized that God has given me the same challenge. Motherhood is not only a profound responsibility, but a choice. And it's not just for married people.

I have the opportunity every day to love on others, share my nurturing nature, provide protection when necessary, exercise authority over those who may need it, and set a good example. I am given the joy of loving on babies in my church nursery, mentoring young ladies in the youth group and helping to train them up in the way they should go. I have the privilege of babysitting for friends and loving on their little ones. The opportunities are endless if I am simply open to them.

My own mother has set such a remarkable example for me and reminds me often of the Proverbs 31 woman. She has not only been a mother to me, but to all those around me. This past weekend we were able to celebrate her and what a blessing she has been to our entire family.

We also celebrated my brother's birthday this past weekend (he just happened to be born on Mother's Day 34 years ago)! Hard to believe I'm related to such an old man! We spent the afternoon out at my parents new house eating hot dogs, watching the kids play, and visiting. It was a great time with family and just reminded me once again of how much I am blessed.

I HATE CANCER!!!

I'm sure that is a sentiment shared by pretty much everyone. And I don't use the word hate very often, but in this case, I do hate it. I am mourning the loss of my sweet friend Jennifer today who lost her battle to cancer this past Friday. She was a beautiful person who was a fighter and full of life! And she was one of my few friends who actually followed my blog and always loved my crazy stories. It's times like these that I'm forced to surrender all of my questions to God and trust in His sovereignty yet again. Even though I don't understand why her life was cut short and why we live in such a fallen world that is full of evil diseases like cancer, I know that He will prevail and that she is sitting at His feet in Heaven today.

I think the most difficult part of her death for me is the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye. She lived in Houston with her amazing husband and this was the third round of cancer she had gone through. As I mentioned above, she was a true fighter! So naturally, when I heard the cancer had returned, I assumed she was going to kick some butt again. Little did I know that a few months later I would get an email from a mutual friend telling me that she was no longer with us. It all happened so fast. But isn't that just like life? We blink and it passes us by...

I want to thank my friend for reminding me how precious life is. For being the kind of woman who continued to glorify God and consider others above herself even when her own circumstances were not ideal. And for fighting the good fight right up until the very end! I will miss my sweet friend, but the memories I have of her and the legacy she has left behind will live on in those that she touched.